Ross Whats-his-name

Okay, look...Sure, Bill Kristol was a smug, pathologically wrong asshat whose writing skill level on a good day hovered around that of cocktail napkin riddles, but at least he was always good for a laugh around the water cooler. It is simply impossible for a conversation that begins "Did you read Kristol's column today?" not to dissolve into stomach-cramping guffaws. In my book, that's worth something. Whereas...

This guy hasn't expressed a single memorable thought or composed a single quotable sentence yet. Note to Douthat: If you can't even make a column headlined "Cheney for President" memorable, you're in the wrong line of work.

Compare with this recent column from Kristol, now at WaPo, who crams more nonsense into a few lazily dictated paragraphs than even Joe Scarborough can regurgitate in his daily seven-hour show.

"But the most successful conservative intervention in the first four months of the Obama presidency has been -- counter to predictions by consultants and pundits -- that of Dick Cheney on national security policy. He may be the only Republican so far who’s really forced Obama onto the defensive."

Don't you just love that herky-jerky -- and by "herky-jerky" I mean a style wherein rather than going to the trouble to create a smoothly flowing sentence, a writer -- a man or woman, as the case may be -- instead just stops the sentence cold -- or at least lukewarm -- to insert a qualifying clause -- style of his (Kristol's)?

Here, you can even make a game out of this next example; try to make it to the end of this sentence a) without having to reread any part of it, and b) without giggling.

"And most conservatives and Republicans would, I think, agree that the other Republican who’s effectively -- if episodically -- challenged Obama on foreign and national security policy has been Newt Gingrich."

How'd you do?

"Here’s an interesting question: (Little-known fact: Whenever Bill Kristol says "Here's an interesting question", what follows is not an interesting question. It's true!) Will any Republican whose career lies mostly ahead of him -- or her -- step up to confront Obama on the foreign policy and national security front?" (See?)

"Both Cheney and Gingrich have the background and stature to address credibly national security issues."

Yup. A grown man actually wrote that. Really. You couldn't make this shit up.

Douthat, my man...You have some big, stupid shoes to fill.